From: adam wooley to me 12/11/15
Subject:Devastating Encounter!…

Art,
How do you do?Just like you i had limited internet connection and we are still here and i am looking to hear back from you with the details,i am still the same weight and wonder why it has to ask that?Hope to read from you soon….
Adam.

Also, you didn’t tell me if Marge could get me a copy of the book on Infectious diseases? If you have a chance, could you tell me what her temperature is right now (and I’m totally sorry, but yes, like last time, you’re going to have to measure it from her ‘below’, if you know what I mean. The doctors I’m working with are Analogists — those types of Doctors are like furtive junkies, always looking up dark alleys).

Yesterday I gave up on Western Union (I don’t know why they asked for your weight. I tried entering 300 lbs, but it said something about “Obesity fee” and was going to add 20% markup, so I didn’t do that).

I did manage to find a Moneygram in the Phillipines, and I figured since you’ve been there so long some extra cash would matter. I wired $5,000 to them. Unfortunately the only store I could send to was the Moneygram in E Quirino, Clark Freeport, Angeles, 2009 Pampanga, Philippines. I’m hoping you can get up there.

When you pick up the money, you’ll need to use my legal name (Art’s a nickname). Just ask for the wire to you from “Alfred E Newman.”

Please do not take Marge with you on the train up there — while I don’t think she’s contagious, people will not treat her well, and will look at you strangely, if she starts barking again. Then again, I’m hoping with the medication that side effect has abated. Let me know.

Directions from the other location you wanted me to send the cash to are here.

Hope all is well, and let me know when you get the cash. We’re all worried about you back here.

From: adam wooley to me 12/12/15
Subject:Devastating Encounter!…

Art,

Thank you for the money.Would be of much help,I am yet to pick it up as i do not have the confirmation details(The 8 digit Pin number on the receipt),please send that to me as soon as you can.

I am awaiting your urgent reply,

Thanks,

Adam.

From: adam wooley to me 12/13/15
Subject:Devastating Encounter!…

Hello Art,

I am guessing you have not checked your mail…Please send me the confirmation number on the Money Gram receipt to enable me pick the money ASAP.

Awaiting your urgent reply,

Thanks,

Adam.

From: me to adam 12/13/15
Subject:Devastating Encounter!…

Hey Adam,

I have bad news, but I think if we can work together, we can get through this.

First off, sorry it took me a few days to respond. In an irony to end all ironies, once I finally got the money sent to you, I decided to find a bar in Stanley to have a drink to celebrate your good fortune. One drink quickly became two, and I got to celebrating with the locals. However, on my way out of the tavern, I was, similar to you, accosted by three short men (dressed in what I think were tuxedos, and who were braying like donkeys the entire time). Alas, I can’t be sure though as to their identity, for I was, as I’ve learned they say in the falklands, ‘out to pasture,’ ‘in league with the jolly devil,’ or ‘enough drinks down to fall for a Nigerian prince.’ My assailants took off with my id, credit card, and wallet, and now I’m somewhat stuck in Stanley. Normally I’d ask for your help on this, but given your situation, I think we’re both in the same boat.

I did spend most of yesterday on the streets to the capital here begging folks for help, and was finally taken in by a kind, generous, and phantasmagoric old woman, who took me back to her house. As a slight aside, to demonstrate what a small world we live in, I got to telling her your and Marge’s tale. (Incidentally, you did not let me know what Marge’s current temperature is, and her doctors have e-mailed me several times asking — a response on that would be appreciated.) The old woman told me that her sister suffers from many of the same symptoms — making me think that perhaps lycanthropy may be the cause. It certainly explains the barking and the hair growth and her symptoms’ strange re-emergence every 25 to 30 days. Also, upon reflection, it is entirely possible that the yellow ooze was a red herring given that you, Marge, and I had just won first place in the Indiana Mustard Pond 10k Meter Swimming tournament. If correct, you should see Marge’s symptoms die down, until around December 25th or so, by which time you should be back home in Lake Woebegon.

But I digress. The old woman kindly allow me use of her computer and phone, which is where I’m typing from right now. I did attempt to find the Moneygram 8-digit number you refer to, but I had used a different computer to send the cash, and stupidly didn’t save the reference number. I ended up calling Moneygram, and they directed me to the local office in the Philippines. It took a while for me to get through (my Tagalog is very bad — and the connection was poor), but the woman I talked to, Betty, said no one has been by to collect the cash.But, and this is the unfortunate thing, given that I’ve already sent it (meaning the cash is already there), and I don’t remember my 8-digit number, there are only two ways to collect it.

• Option 1: You could actually go in person. Betty assured me you should be able to pick up the cash. I told her you didn’t have ID, but we came up with a way for you to get the money. Just ask for her by full name (Betty Crocker), tell her you’re picking up the package from Alfred E Newman, and you know the secret phrase of “my, your buns are gooey and moist.”
• Option 2: if I pay a 100 peso (Philippine Peso) fee, she can give me the 8-digit number. Alas, the only way I can pay that (moneygram policy I’m afraid) is with a credit card from someone who actually lives in the Philippines.

So that means, there are two ways you can get the cash:

1. Take the train up to the office, and pick it up directly from Betty.
2. If you happen to have met someone in the Philippines who can help you, just send me their name, address, their credit card number and expiration date, along with the code on the back of the card, and then I’ll call Betty back, pay the 100 peso fine, and send you the 8-digit number, and then you can pick up the $5,000 USD.

I look forward to your response,

– Art

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